GUIDING THOUGHTS EP.5 : WIRED FOR SELF ABSORPTION, VARIETY REQUIRED

I think about myself a lot. I think it’s too much to just call it “reflecting.”

For research I wish I could see into other peoples brains to see how self absorbed they are. Is it as much as me?

I wonder how much self absorption others have to overcome. Not that it’s always something to “overcome.”

I don’t expect that I need to be thinking about any one thing everyday, but it’s becoming clear that there are negative impacts of reflecting too hard.

Thoughts require management. And there needs to be a balance of thinking about a variety of things. Research is telling me that variety is very important for the mind.

Perhaps I learned to despise places that require self absorption. Some projects require you to think about your place in the world and what your productivity means to others.

Maybe it also gives me a sick feeling because I’m just scared of the exposure. I don’t want anyone to see how absorbed I am.

What do I mean to you? What do these symbols mean to me? These questions although good for research are kind of irrelevant to the experience of the other person….. except when they’re not.

And so I live for the exceptions. I justify thinking the same thoughts about myself because I know it’s useful for something. But I never know what. And sometimes I never find out.

Which leads me to wonder, should I think about myself less? Should I rewire? Should I just clock my time in more obvious forms of service?

Or should I just believe that one day all the self absorption will be of service. It will pay off right?

I want to find a balance between seeing myself reflected in my own mirrors and being a mirror for other people. I want to listen and talk, I hope I can do that. I hope I can do everything and be happy overall.